I recently read a short poem by Emily Perl Kingsley. The poem, Welcome to Holland, describes a scenario where you plan and plan and plan to go Italy. You buy books and study the language and you just get really ready to go to Italy.
But then, the plane lands and you realize you’re in Holland.
You get upset because you were prepared for Italy and were excited about Italy and even though Holland isn’t disgusting, it’s not friggin Italy…and because you approach the situation this way, it’s hard to see that Holland has beautiful things, like windmills, and tulips, and Rembrandts, and for the rest of your life you hold on to the fact that you were supposed to be in Italy and the loss of that experience blinds you to the one you could have in Holland. You miss out on both experiences.
This got to me.
The poem was originally written to describe the experience of having a child with a disability and while that is not a lived experience for me, the thought of not enjoying where you are because of where you thought you’d be hits me like a sucker punch.
What if I’m in Holland right this very second? Am I missing it?
I know I’ve mentioned several times that I miss who I used to be…and while I think that missing a person is different than planning for a trip, I would be naïve to not recognize that mourning the loss of Italy feels a lot like mourning the loss of who I thought I would become.
Holland or not, this isn’t where I thought I’d wind up, and it’s comforting to me to be able to grieve that a little. While I’m not even sure that I would have been good at or enjoyed the life I had planned for myself, it is still sad to me to think of those experiences that I’ve missed…the entire life that I’m not living.
The choices I stare down now weren’t even choices to me when I was planning for Italy. Of course I would get married. Of course I would have kids. Of course I would be president of the PTA. And while Holland (this life) has amazing things, it’s not those things…and all that planning feels wasted.
But here’s my second reaction to the poem: what if I were to stop living my life planning for just Italy? How about I plan for the globe? I could buy a book for Greece, and learn to speak Japanese, and practice baking croissants. What if I was just generally more open to whatever is supposed to come next? Would it hurt as much if I wound up Holland?
Now here’s the unspoken catch: It’s not always me that’s doing the planning. I’m fully aware of the societal expectations placed on all of us. Society has a very active role in deciding which trips we should plan for…but what if I were more intentional about letting society’s expectations roll off my back? Would that make Italy less appealing? I doubt it…but perhaps it would allow me to not miss out on those tulips.
Road Trip Updates
Kentucky will always be good for my soul! This is a smidge surprising, as I sobbed the whole way to Lexington when I moved there for grad school. I was so sure that I had chosen the wrong school and that I should instead be headed to Pepperdine and a Malibu coastline.
It didn’t take long for the Bluegrass to win me over though and now, I’m confident that I wound up right where I needed to be.
Lexington just feels right to me and, when I rattle off all the places I’ve lived, I often list Lexington as one of the only places to which I would return. There is something soothing about it to me, something that says “we’ll take you as you are”…
Kentucky is also full of wonderful people and I feel so fortunate to have been able to spend time with some of my favorites. It’s been 12 years since I moved to Lexington, and it still feels like home.
I think it was that sense of “homeness” that made me introvert and crash hard core upon arrival. After several weeks of peopling and several nights of not sleeping in that yurt, Boston and I just needed a minute to catch our breath. How lucky are we that Lexington was just the spot to do so!
Current mileage: 6600 miles
States Stayed in So Far: Florida, Louisiana, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Indiana, Kentucky, Pennsylvania
Foodie Shoutouts: The pimento chicken sandwich at Saul Good, the chocolate éclair at the European Delights Gourmet Bakery (thanks Morgan!), the mint chocolate chip cattywampus milkshake at Cattywampus Station (thanks again, Morgan!), and the hotdogs and corn-on-the-cob at Morgan’s house (seriously, thanks Morgan!) 😊
Cool Things: The Square (fun shops and walking!) and obviously the University of Kentucky!
Love,
Holly
P.S. Here’s a little video recap of my time in Kentucky!