My therapist likes to remind me that I cannot control the thoughts, feelings, or actions of other people. Alright, I have no idea if she likes reminding me of that, but she does it enough that I certainly hope she enjoys it.
It’s a critical reminder for me as I generally believe that I can control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of other people. I believe I can change a mind, abolish hurt feelings, or convince people to act a certain way…really, sometimes, just to be a certain way.
I realize this is likely an indicator of my own arrogance…but for better or worse, it’s my default setting…and I struggle with a variety of feelings when I lose sight of the fact that the thoughts, feelings, and actions of other people actually belong to those other people. I’ve got no control over it at all.
I know, I know. It’s an earth-shattering realization for some of us.
Recently, however, I’ve been facing a similar foundation-shifting realization. It seems there are times when it’s my own thoughts, feelings, and actions, that I can’t control.
Le sigh.
Coming out of the pandemic was challenging for me. Who am I kidding? We’re still in a pandemic and that deserves an active verb. It is challenging for me…
After a year and a half of working out of my 756 square foot apartment in the middle of densely populated/cootie-filled city while attempting a not-right-for-me relationship and two rounds of egg retrieval to pause my biological clock, I lost a little bit of who I was.
So, because I am who I am, my “solution” to this loss, was to jump back into everything with full gusto the moment I was vaccinated. This seemed necessary to prove to myself that I was exactly who I was before everything in my life made me someone else.
You can see where this is going…
It was an epic failure.
If it had just been me that I roped into this mess, I probably wouldn’t replay everything in my head the way that I am…but it wasn’t just me…
There was a boy.
In addition to jumping back into many of the routine aspects of my old life, I jumped back into dating with renewed gumption. I needed to make up for lost time.
But then I wasn’t quite sure who I was anymore, or what I wanted anymore, or what the world was anymore…and the boy and I went on dates where people weren’t wearing masks and I couldn’t figure out if I was supposed to ask for proof of his vaccination card, or panic when the waitress leaned in closer than six feet, or if we had to decide if we were a couple or not before the impending Delta variant would cause us to return to isolation…and it all made me act like I was unsteady…unsure…because I was. I was swimming out of my league and y’all, I felt it. I was aware of my panicked thoughts, feelings, and actions, and I just couldn’t wrangle them. I couldn’t control his thoughts, feelings, and actions, and I couldn’t control my own either.
And the relationship didn’t work.
And maybe it never would have.
But I’m now left with something that’s not quite regret…because I’m not sure I regret the act of trying…the reality is that I gave it everything I could offer at the time, but what I could offer in that moment, wasn’t me in charge of my own thoughts, feelings, or actions. It wasn’t my best.
And I think I will always feel like I wasn’t quite ready for that one.
Road Trip Updates
The second part of my trip in Oklahoma was a good one, although, it remained a little complex. As discussed in my prior blog, Oklahoma elicits a variety of feelings in me but I’m glad I decided to stay a little longer.
It’s a comforting feeling to spend time with people who knew you when you were younger. There’s an instant grace in those encounters because they loved you when you were less wise, less “put-together”, less tolerant of things not going your way. I truly relished being able to melt back into these friendships like nothing had really changed, and with the expectation that I didn’t have to be on my a-game to come to coffee, or go watch kids at swim practice, or have burgers on a back patio. It’s inexplicably calming to know I’ll be accepted as I am.
This stay was also affirming to me in that my community of support extends far past what many people have, and I’m so grateful for that. While it won’t be a blog post at this time (and likely never will), it’s no secret that my family relationships are complicated. Being able to spend time with people, scratch that, women, that have grown up with me, and in some cases raised me, was restorative.
Thank you to everyone who made time for me!
Special shout out to riding out a tornado warning with Logan and the incomparable Ann and Margaret. 😊 If you know, you know.
Current mileage: 4456 miles
States Stayed in So Far: Florida, Louisiana, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri
Foodie Shoutouts: The savory ricotta hot cake from The Jones Assembly, (yes, I know I listed this last week but I kid you not, I went back for it), the fried avocados at Ted’s Café Escondido, and the shrimp and grits enchiladas at Picasso Café.
Cool Things: The Bricktown Water Taxi and swim practice with Tami’s boys. 😊 Oh! And I went to my first drag show ever at the District Hotel!
Love,
Holly
P.S. Here’s a little video recap of the second part of my trip in Oklahoma!