A Snapshot of Me

I’ve been “noodling” on something since my trip back to the University of Oklahoma and while I don’t think I have it all figured out, I might be closer.

Showing off my beloved OU to Liz a few weeks ago was SUCH a joyous experience to me. From the library to the stadium to my old sorority house, I was reminded of how much I loved that place and, here’s the kicker, how much I felt like that placed loved me back (we’ll come back to this).

I normally think of my time at OU as a little complicated. While there were a few different boys thrown in here and there, I was in love with the same boy from (literally) the second day I got there to well after the time I walked across the graduation stage.

This means that I struggle to separate my collegiate experience from that relationship and that makes it a little bittersweet. Everything on the campus seems to hold a memory with him.

However, this trip triggered some new memories, and some new feelings outside of those routine sentiments…and I’m not quite sure what do with them.

In several blog posts I’ve acknowledged that I’m not who I used to be – that revelation was the driver behind this adventure and is also something I wrestle with when it comes to going home. However, showing off my college stomping ground hit this point home in a new way.

I took Liz to the Gaylord College of Journalism and Mass Communication where my picture used to hang as an ambassador. I took her to my old sorority house where I was chapter president. I took her to the Stamp Student Union where I burned my name into a table with the other designated “2007 Leaders” and took my picture with President Boren. While elated to relive these memories, I was also reminded of the determination with which I hit OU. I had grown up a big fish in a small pond and come hell or high water, I was going to figure out how to be a big fish in a big pond.

This meant I signed up for basically everything, rarely ever saying no, and in addition to a full course load, I worked part time as a math tutor, volunteered as a marketing coordinator for the college ministry of my church, co-led the two-year-old room on Sunday mornings, had an internship each semester the last two years, dated, tried not to fail a sorority chapter of 250 women, gave tours of the journalism college, worked as a Disney Campus Rep, and made a solid attempt to be a “normal” college student and do fun things like date parties, football games, and spending time with friends.

While I didn’t consider my college experience at the time to be that different than those of my peers, looking back gave it a different lens. That was a lot…and I was exhausted all the time.

When I talked to my sister about it and explained how this trip reminded me of what can only be described as mania, she listened sincerely and then said she was so glad I didn’t feel like I had to work like that anymore. She said she was so happy that the weight of those expectations had been lifted from me…

…but it doesn’t make me feel that way. It somehow makes me inexplicably and devastatingly sad.

That version of me was hungry. She wanted everything the world could give her. She stayed up late and got up early determined to leave a mark.

And now friends, I’m just tired. I’m not hungry for all the world can offer. I’m exhausted. But not from the hustle, I’m just exhausted from…I don’t know…living?

I had the pleasure of crashing with my college suite-mate in Minnesota last week and I talked through this predicament with her as well. We discussed that perhaps the change in me was brought about because I was sold a pack of goods that doesn’t actually exist. Perhaps I feel bamboozled because I was told that if you do all these things, your life will turn out like x, y, and z, and my life has turned out like d, e, and f.

We also discussed that perhaps I’m exhausted because I’m just doomed to never be content. Perhaps some of us are hardwired to keep wanting new boxes to check and new ladders to climb and somewhere along the way, I got a little broken.

Or, perhaps it’s that I felt like the university had my back and that for all my hustle, she would reward me with friends, kindness, and accolades…but maybe the world doesn’t offer that kind of reciprocal behavior and that makes me a little more hesitant to give up so much of myself.

Le sigh.

I can’t quite figure it out…I just know that while I am proud of that version of myself, I don’t how to relate with that snapshot of who I was. She had something I don’t have right now…

Road Trip Updates

Minnesota was an unexpected beauty! I continue to be shocked when I see brown dirt and green grass as opposed to the red dirt and yellow grass of my up bringing but it was just glorious! I went to Minnesota to spend some time with Amanda and boy, did she take care of me! From making me her momma’s bread, to feeding me chicken and sweet potato fries, to providing me with a place to crash, I was just spoiled.

Since this post discusses our time at OU, I would be remiss if I didn’t brag on Amanda and say that she is absolutely one of the smartest people I know. She is also, unquestionably, the only reason I passed Business Pre-Calc. Thanks Manda! 😊

Rochester is very much built around the Mayo Clinic (where Manda currently works) and I enjoyed seeing how the city and the hospital(s) merge as one. It made you feel like both the city, and the hospital, would want to take good care of you. That’s a nice feeling.

Wanna know what’s not a nice feeling? Hail damage. Minnesota gave me a run for my money when it came to weather. Everyone please bow your heads for a moment of silence in support of my sweet Honda, Bathsheba. Only a moment is needed though – we’ll get her fixed up when we’re back in the District!

Current mileage: 5516 miles

States Stayed in So Far: Florida, Louisiana, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Minnesota, Wisconsin

Foodie Shoutouts: The lavender latte and raspberry scone (which is more like a biscuit) at Moka, the fish sandwich at Canadian Honkers, and Manda’s mom’s onion bread. 😊

Cool Things: The Oxbow Park and Zollman Zoo and the Mayo Clinic (I know a hospital doesn’t seem like a cool thing to visit but there are so many works of art and sculptures and flowers!)

Love,
Holly

P.S. Here’s a little video recap of my time in Minnesota!

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